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The following article appeared in the winter 2000 newsletter for medical professionals, "Cornerstone Connections", of Cornerstone Counselling Centre.
The prevalence of anger is a growing societal concern. Anger is an emotion which, in itself, is neither positive or negative. The manner in which we cope with or respond to the feeling of anger, however, can be either productive or destructive.
The Dictionary of Concepts in General Psychology defines anger as "a transitory emotional reaction that is subjectively compelling, often unpleasant, and varying in intensity from mild to distressingly strong " (p.17). Anger is often identified through an assortment of physical reactions including "particular facial grimaces and body positions characteristic of action in the autonomic nervous system" (Reber, 1987, p. 234). It is generally short in duration and can, at times, result in an overt attack toward people or objects.
Anger is often superseded by a multitude of similar emotional responses and, consequently, confusion of terminology often arises. Hostility, frustration, aggression, rage, and hatred are often used synonymously with the term anger".
A typical definition of frustration includes feelings of disappointment resulting from being prevented from achieving a goal, and feelings of being thwarted or baffled, deprived of what was due, or having some fundamental need satisfied. Feelings of frustration are usually directed toward oneself whereas anger is generally directed toward someone or something else. Also, while an anger response is short-lived, aggression, hostility, and frustration are often longer lasting (Popplestone & White McPherson, 1988).
A study conducted by Richardson in 1918 indicated that anger is more often provoked by people than objects (cited in Popplestone & White McPerson, 1988). Gates (1926) concurred with Richardson, suggesting "that an important provocation of anger, particularly when the feeling is intense, is a sense of being imposed upon, especially when there is a blocking of self-assertiveness" (p. 267).
Physiological changes, including galvanic skin response, heart rate and blood pressure, can occur as a result of stress and anger. Individuals with a high level of hostility are more prone to experience present and future medical complications. Excessive stress is highly correlated with a vast number of illnesses, including coronary disease, high blood pressure, hypertension, chronic pain, headache, insomnia, asthma, eating disorders, depression, and skin disorders. In addition, researchers at Duke University have found a positive correlation between hostility and the likelihood of an individual becoming a smoker, alcoholic, and high calorie eater. Anderson (1985) believes that "many psychological and physiological disorders may have some etiology in an unconstructive response to anger. Still others may be exacerbated by repressed or suppressed anger" (p. 2).
The evidence suggests that serious harm can be a result of insufficient anger control. Tension, stress, and anxiety deprive the body, both mentally and physically, reducing one’s ability to enjoy life and to adapt to challenges (Cautela & Groden, 1978). Examination of the facts also suggests that people who are angry may not live as long as those who can control anger.
The use of self-control provides a psychological method of dealing with anger in an appropriate manner. Facilitating self-control in patients may reduce anger outbursts resulting in a healthier style of life.
Present studies have not included a multi-intervention technique which includes goal setting, self-monitoring physiological body changes, self-talk, and interactional therapy. A program which utilizes a multi-technique program should prove to be highly effective. Group therapy in combination with cognitive or cognitive/behavioral treatment has proven to help control anger (Saunders, D. G. & Hanusa, D., 1986; Diodato, S. C., Pancoast, B. P. & Frey, M. A., 1986). This type of program may be highly beneficial to adults and children having difficulty controlling their anger. Internal self-regulated behavior may ensure more independence and a healthier lifestyle.
Please contact Cornerstone Counselling Centre for a complete reference list.
The following article appeared in the winter 1998 newsletter, "Cornerstone Connections", of Cornerstone Counselling Centre.
by Judy Moench, Ph.D., provisional psychologist at Cornerstone Counselling Centre, together with Mark Wesner, an Alberta school teacher.
Judy also leads anger management programs at Cornerstone Counselling Centre.
Bullying on the schoolyard has long been thought of as an inevitable part of growing up. Children have on numerous occasions heard stories about bullies from their parents and how they managed to get through school relatively unscathed. Parents and teachers alike often tell children to ignore the bully or walk away from the bully. In light of the more recent media attention on the increase in suicides among young people as a result of being bullied, these strategies are obviously not providing the kind of assistance necessary. International research into the aggressor-victim relationship has been carried out over the past three decades, providing a great deal of insight. Yet, the amount of bullying seems to be on the increase, as does the severity of the bullying.
Bullying: an intentional negative act designed to inflict injury, discomfort or pain on others in a systematic way.School systems all around the world are seeing an increasing problem with bullying behavior. A survey of more than 130,000 students in Norway found that 15% of these elementary and secondary/junior high students were regularly involved in some type of bully/victim problem Olweus,1994). Olweus (1994) reports that other research around the world also shows significant numbers of students involved in bully/victim relationships, including Canada (Ziegler & Rosenstein-Manner 1991).
One of the most obvious characteristics of bullies is the aggression they exhibit toward their peers. Bullies are also very aggressive toward parents and teachers (Olweus, 1994). They tend to have a positive attitude toward violence. The theory of moral disengagement seems relevant in that bullies may dehumanize their victims, allowing them to treat them cruelly, and severely (Bandura, as cited in Menensi, E., Fonzi, A., & Vannucci, M, 1997). A correlation has been found between aggressive young people and future problems with criminality and alcohol abuse (Loeber & Dishion, Magnusson, Stattin & Duner as cited in Olweus, 1994). In a large scale study in Sweden, it was found that 60% of the boys labeled as bullies in grades 6-9 had at least one criminal conviction by the age of 24. As well, 35-40% of the young bullies were convicted 3 or 4 times, as compared to 10% of the control group (Olweus, 1994).
It is clear that intervention is necessary and, to varying degrees, is successful in limiting bullying behaviors. The basis of Olweus’ intervention program was designed with five basic principles in mind.
Another research-based program which focuses on a multi-level approach, is the DFE Sheffield Anti-Bullying Project, conducted by Sharp & Smith, 1994. Using curriculum as a vehicle for discussion about bullying, opportunities were created for:
Lajoie, McLellan and Seddon (1997) report that a bullying incident takes place once every seven minutes and schools are prime locations for bullying. In collaboration, teachers, administrators, support staff, pupils, parents and community members can and must make significant gains in the pursuit to eliminate bullying behavior.
The following article appeared in the fall 1998 newsletter, "Cornerstone Connections", of Cornerstone Counselling Centre.
This past year as Edmontonians rallied together to save the Edmonton Oilers hockey team, we witnessed a poignant example of commitment. There were those whose fervor was based on their past history and dedication to the Oilers, while others were motivated more by the thought of being somehow involved in the Oilers’ future here in Edmonton. In an act of solidarity, "Stay Oilers Stay" signs showed up on car windows, front doors and public billboards. People sacrificed financially; from loonies in local restaurants to emptied piggy banks, lines of credit and cashed RRSP funds. The result of Edmontonians’ commitment has not only been the preservation of the Oilers in Edmonton, but also an enormously bolstered number of loyal fans for future seasons.
Our city’s display of commitment to the Oilers’ hockey team has many parallels to the concept of commitment in marital relationships. Commitment lends the opportunity to examine our relationship and determine the steps we need to take to preserve it. Nurturing our commitment requires that we plan for the future. Investment advisors suggest that the secret to long-term financial success is in "dollar cost averaging" - regular investments in a variety of sources over a long period of time. Similarly, in our relationships, regular investments of commitment in many areas of our relationship over many years will produce the greatest pay off relationally. A well-maintained relationship will be able to weather the ups and downs in marital satisfaction, which are inevitable over the course of a normal marriage. (Note - the Oilers would never survive if fans only showed up during the winning streaks!)
With this in mind, I would like to offer some practical tips to building commitment in our relationships.
1. Build your couple identity.
A healthy relationship requires that we strike a balance between individual identity and couple identity. If a marriage is represented by two circles within one larger circle, the wonder of it is that while each person’s individuality is maintained, something greater is created by the joining of two individuals in their life-long commitment to one another. The whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Consider building your couple identity in these ways:
Proudly display your Oilers’ banner.
2. Keep your relationship a priority.
Many couples believe their relationship will naturally improve over time. As a result, they may tend to invest more energy into improving themselves individually or into building their careers, than they do into enriching their marriage. Keeping our relationship a priority is about valuing time and energy spent with our partner, and strategically putting them first.
Get an Oilers’ schedule and pencil in the games you plan to attend.
3. Monitor your Alternative Seeking
A natural response to stress is to seek a path of less resistance. When our marriage seems difficult, too much like work, or somehow not worth the effort, we tend to look where the grass may be greener. My suggestion is simple: pick the weeds in your own backyard.
Burn your Red Wings paraphernalia.
4. Choose Healthy Giving to One Another
Commitment is about building a relationship over time. It is specifically about building one another up by focusing on each other’s needs. It is not about doing for your partner what they should do for themselves; it is about having appropriate boundaries. The result of unhealthy giving is that, as we try to protect our partner from the stress of their issues, we rob them of the opportunity to dig a little deeper within themselves to tackle the problem once and for all.
Cheer on the Oilers; that is your part in helping them win.
These four suggestions toward building commitment are straightforward and relatively easy to implement; the challenge comes in applying them and committing to build them into your daily life. Remember, there is surprising power in following through on just one suggestion to improve your situation. Try one today.
The following article appeared in the fall 1999 newsletter, "Cornerstone Connections," of Cornerstone Counselling Centre.
I suppose our home isn’t much different from the average household with five people. We have three school-aged children and my wife, Kathy, and I both work full-time. People come and go and the weeks often seem to fly by with a flurry of activity.
Sometimes, as I drive home at the end of my workday, I fantasize about how things will be when I arrive home. My fantasy goes something like this:
As I walk in the front door, the house is calm and quiet. The coats are hung, shoes are neatly lined along the entryway, and my kids are completely absorbed in their homework. I have time to relax, put my feet up and read the paper undisturbed. Kathy already has an elaborate meal planned and prepared, and simply calls me when dinner is served.
Without actually visiting our home, I probably don’t need to tell you that, if I arrive home with that set of expectations, I am likely to feel frustrated and impatient in a very short time!
Sometimes, on the other hand, I create another scenario in my mind:
As I get out of the car, I navigate my way over and around bikes, basketballs and roller-blades, making my way through the garage to our front entrance where I stumble over shoes and backpacks. The TV is too loud, everyone has a friend over and the debris of after-school snacks litters the family room. The kids tell me Kathy has been detained at school and I realize the macaroni and cheese probably won’t be ready for another hour unless I get in there and help!
Experience has taught me that my reaction, as I walk through the front door, will be largely dependent on which of the above scenarios I have created in my mind. Same house. Same family. Same level of activity. The difference lies primarily with me - and the expectations I bring to that experience.
Expectations are beliefs about the way things will be - or should be - and they play a major role in determining how we will experience the world around us. The degree of satisfaction, disappointment, enjoyment or frustration we experience will be largely determined by the expectations we bring to the particular situation. It’s true with respect to every aspect of our lives: our work, our relationships, even our vacations!
We bring a host of expectations with us, for example, into our marriage relationship. We have expectations concerning the standard of living we will enjoy, the amount of time we will spend with in-laws, how we’ll handle decision-making, etc. Sometimes we even expect to change our partner!
The expectations we bring to any given situation or relationship originate from a variety of sources including the media, our past experiences and our family of origin. Some of our expectations may be realistic and others probably are not. Whatever the source or nature of our expectations, it’s true that they have a direct effect on our experience in the world.
Like many things, expectations can have a positive or negative influence on our life experiences. We’re all familiar with the "power of positive thinking" and most of us have been convinced that a positive attitude can go a log way in helping us achieve our goals. On the other hand, we also recognize that our expectations can sometimes lead to frustration, disappointment and conflict.
I’m always reminded of the couple who planned a getaway weekend in Banff. They had been in counselling for some time and had been working hard at their marriage. They were both looking forward to getting away together and felt good that they were doing something positive and concrete for their relationship. It was going to be great! Their anticipation continued to grow as the weekend approached.
Everything proceeded along very smoothly until, just as they were about to leave for their trip, the wife saw her husband loading his golf clubs into the trunk of the car! One could describe what happened next as an eruption of emotion! She was immediately hurt and disappointed. And then she got mad! When he came back into the house, he was totally confused by her sudden change of mood and soon responded with equal anger and frustration.
It became clear, in that moment, that they had very different expectations for their "getaway weekend." She expected that they would spend their days together - perhaps have a late breakfast, do some window shopping, maybe go for a walk and top it off with a nice romantic dinner in the evening. Knowing that she often liked to browse through quaint shops on her own, her husband assumed they would each do their own thing during the day, meet up later for a nice dinner, and return to the hotel for a night of passion. Given the way the weekend started, I’m not sure all of his expectations were met!
Three simple points can help us avoid some of the potential pitfalls and turn our expectations into a positive resource for living:
1. Be aware of the expectations you bring with you into a situation.
Scott Stanley, co-author of the book entitled, Fighting For Your Marriage, maintains that "we rarely talk about our expectations in a non-conflictual way". He explains that our expectations often remain "in the fog", beyond our immediate awareness. Consequently, they often only become apparent to us after we’ve been disappointed, felt frustrated, or experienced conflict in a relationship. These negative consequences can often be avoided by asking ourselves, at the outset, what we expect from the situation.
2. Do a reality check.
As long as I am unaware of my personal expectations, I am unable to do a reality check. Its important to ask myself, "Is this a realistic or reasonable expectation to have, given the way things are?" I may wish that the situation would be different. However, if I am going to minimize my own sense of frustration or disappointment, I need to deal with the realities and adjust my expectations accordingly.
3. Learn how to express your expectations openly to others.
Even when we are aware of our expectations and have judged them to be realistic, in the context of relationships, we tend to neglect to clarify or express our expectations to others. Couples who have been in long term relationships, for example, often just assume that their spouse should know what their expectations are and don’t take responsibility to express themselves clearly. Mind-reading of this sort generally leads to misunderstanding. Clearly stating our expectations, on the other hand, sets the stage for negotiation and compromise.
The reality is that most of us don’t live in an idyllic environment and our fantasy is not always reflected in the realities we have to deal with. Often, these "less than perfect" conditions are beyond our control. We can, however, choose how we will respond to the realities that confront us. Confronting our expectations is a good starting point.
The following article appeared in the spring 1999 newsletter, "Cornerstone Connections," of Cornerstone Counselling Centre.
Who created and authored this concept of forgiveness? This notion that we somehow magically have to have this big-hearted ability to forgive those who’ve hurt us deeply...or even slightly? Is this forgiveness more of a Christian virtue than a psychological function? And how realistic, let alone possible, is it to forgive when we continue to feel the pain of betrayal, deception, rejection or humiliation?
Before we can even begin contemplating such an endeavor, we might need to start by defining what forgiveness is and is not.
Forgiveness is not denying. It is not ignoring or minimizing the offense. Neither is it a denial of the offense. Neither is it a denial of the offender’s responsibility or an absence of consequences. We cannot genuinely forgive a transgression if we don’t acknowledge its existence or how much it hurt us.
We need to ask ourselves what purpose this lack of forgiveness serves in our life. How does holding on to the anger, bitterness, and hatred prevent us from living a more creative and richer life?
When we forgive others we perform spiritual surgery on our soul that gradually allows us to see the deeper truth about others and ourselves. It allows a new vision and a new feeling that comes from the willingness to look at things in a new light. It sets us free from the power of another’s actions on us. Our healing will involve our freedom from hate, our own inner peace. It seems that there are many good reasons to endeavor to learn to forgive. Yes, the Author of forgiveness did command that forgiveness be one of our ways of BEING. (Matt. 6:14-15). Yet He desires to help us do that, encouraging our prayers to include that He "forgive those who trespass against us". What’s it for? Our wholeness and health!
It’s suppertime. It’s been a busy day at the job. I arrive home after driving through grueling rush hour traffic, and scramble to prepare a respectably nutritious meal. Just as we finally sit down to supper – you guessed it – the phone rings.
"Good evening, Mrs. Bru-in-sma – am I pronouncing this right?"
"Yes."
"How are you this evening?"
"Fine."
"My name is ------------, and I am with …"
This scenario repeats itself in our household at least once a week, and has the distinction of bringing out the worst in both my husband and me. (Our children tend to be a little more sympathetic and so more courteous. But then, they don’t write the cheques.) The timing alone of the telephone solicitor’s call does little to nurture the hoped-for spirit of generosity.
Guilt. Irritability. Anger. Sympathy. Confusion. Suspicion. There are a lot of feelings associated with not giving. This giving stuff is all a pretty complicated business.
Yet we know the needs won’t go away. And probably, someday, each of us will find ourselves in a situation where we will be very thankful for the work of charities, be it research into a cure for cancer, or multiple sclerosis, or heart and lung disease or -- be it for the opportunity to have subsidized counselling rates at a place like Cornerstone for ourselves or someone else who could not otherwise receive this counselling.
Corporations, too, are caught up in some of these same soul-wrenching issues of charitable giving. Their reputations are deliberately groomed by professional public relations firms and by a strong public philanthropic record. And, indeed, the existence of many of our cultural icons such as libraries, hospitals, universities, museums, etc. are attributable to the generosity and vision of corporations.
There are tricks that can be used. Fundraising has become very sophisticated. Research advises us on the best method to manipulate the giving market -- and "marketing" is indeed the word used. Heart-rending stories are used to tug at our emotions. Who can ignore the 15-second news clip from Ethiopia of the big eyes of a naked, tummy bloated child too weak to cry, held by an equally emaciated mother? In the short time I have been at Cornerstone, I have already had someone turn down my request for support on just this basis: Cornerstone’s counselling needs paled for him in comparison to the scenes of severe malnutrition in Africa.
That is not so hard to explain. Christ’s sacrifice on the cross was the ultimate self-less gift, no strings attached. As such, he is our model not just for giving, but also for our whole life. Following Christ’s example and God’s principles for giving bring with it a sense of right-ness. And so, the actual act of giving makes us feel genuinely good. Giving brings us joy.
I prefer to think of my job not as badgering ("No Solicitors Please") but as providing a service, as in the "hound of heaven." Even though I sometimes wish I could conjure up a few ghosts to loosen the tight grip of the Scrooges of the world, I know it’s not possible.
It remains tempting to manipulate donors’ emotions to get the desired increase in gifts. Taking the high road, though, is simply to present our needs – popular or not -- and appeal to that sense of humanity that gives out of a spirit of Christ-like, self-less giving. Then giving becomes an opportunity for growth, and a privilege, not the giving in to relentless badgering.
Our cause, our mission (see elsewhere in the newsletter), is to help those facing difficulties in their lives find the "green pastures" and "still waters" of which the Psalmist spoke in Psalm 23. The goal of counselling is to bring healing to brokenness, in individual as well as inter-personal relations.
Cornerstone’s commitment is to provide only the best of professional counselling (all staff are Chartered Psychologists and Family Therapists). Our commitment is to provide this counselling to people who need it, regardless of income. A fund -- aptly named, the Compassion Fund -- allows us to subsidize their fees. Your donations are directed towards this Compassion Fund.
Thank you for taking the time to think about this with me. Please feel free to call me if there are ways in which you would like to be involved in our ministry. And I, for my part, promise not to call you back at suppertime.
The following article appeared in the Spring 2001 newsletter for clergy, "Cornerstone Connections", of Cornerstone Counselling Centre.
Those involved in church related ministry all too often find themselves in a position to witness the devastating effects of unresolved conflict. Wherever two or more people interact with each other, there exists the potential for conflict, even among those who are followers of Christ.
Conflict in the home and conflict in the church are two arenas where conflicts can leave especially painful and deep wounds. When people refer to themselves as "brothers and sisters in Christ", it is especially disappointing when issues cannot be resolved in a spirit of love and forgiveness. The cost goes beyond pain; there are many hidden costs involved in ecclesiastical disputes - energy, time and stress of the pastors and their governing Boards. In this brief article I would like to present a few introductory thoughts on the topic of conflict resolution.
Several years ago, there was a large church that had a high profile in the community and conducted an effective ministry. In many ways it was a model church for its denomination. Then conflict arose between the senior minister and a staff member. The conflict escalated as it spread throughout the congregation. When the dust settled, many people were deeply hurt, the church was reduced to a fraction of its original size, and its influence in the community and in the denomination was compromised.
Developing skills in dealing with conflict is important for people in ministry. The apostle Paul wrote, "(God has) given to us the ministry of reconciliation" (II Corinthians 5:18). Jesus emphasized the importance of resolving conflict in Matthew 5. Conflict resolution is such an important issue that organizations exist whose sole function is to provide training in conflict resolution.
When it comes to resolving conflict we generally do not do very well when we do what comes naturally. There are three approaches to conflict that can either prolong or escalate conflict.
Passive Approach
This approach avoids conflict at all costs. Some mistakenly believe that this is the Christian approach. They may refer to the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew. (e.g. Didn't Jesus say to turn the other cheek?) This approach allows the other person to disregard my rights, values, convictions and desires as though they do not count. This approach does not work because it fails to confront the offender or the cause of the conflict. One side continues to offend, the other to be victimized.
Aggressive Approach
This is the opposite of the passive approach. It is an approach where one violates the rights of others while defending one's own rights. It may include violence, slander, or abusive behavior. This approach does nothing to resolve conflict but instead escalates it. Again the pattern of offending and victimizing is continued.
Passive/Aggressive Approach
This approach avoids direct confrontation. Individuals who use this approach will appear to be compliant, to be using the passive approach, but in inconspicuous ways they attack the one with whom they are in conflict. This may be through gossip, slander, defamation, or simply non-compliance. This approach also tends to escalate the conflict.
Use an Assertive Approach
An approach that is essential for resolving conflict is the assertive approach. This approach involves stating clearly one's feelings, defining the behavior of the other that gives rise to these feelings and clarifying the reason for the feelings. Specifying the response desired and identifying one's own responsibility in resolving the conflict is also part of this approach. Assertiveness is a way of expressing one's self that respects the rights of others. It involves confronting the area of conflict with clarity and honesty but also with respect and sensitivity.
Though some conflicts can be resolved relatively easily, in some cases an impartial third party skilled in conflict resolution may best facilitate this difficult process.
Using an appropriate approach to conflict resolution does not ensure that conflict will be resolved. We know that people involved in conflict are often deeply wounded. Dealing with the issues involved in the conflict may resolve those issues, but that does not mean that the wounds are healed.
Emotional healing may require time and specialized care. In some cases professional counselling can help both sides to understand their reactions and their differences. Where conflict is resolved and those who have been wounded are helped to heal, unity is strengthened, the potential for further conflict is decreased, and Christ is honored.
Dr. Richard Koehn, a former pastor, presently works as a Chartered Psychologist at Cornerstone Counselling Centre as well as the Millard Centre. Richard counsels individuals and couples.
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